the f'ing worthless: Herbie is sure that he's going to die any minute now.


Name: Herbie the f’ing worthless
Race: Halfling
Class: Fighter
Level/XP: 1/50
XP Bonus: -10% ?!?!?!?!?! 0% (screw that; houserule!)

Herbie is sure that he’s going to die any minute now.

HP: 3
Strength: 4
Intelligence: 7
Wisdom: 13
Constitution: 8
Dexterity: 6
Charisma: 6

Saving Throw: 15 (2 vs death, +2 vs poison, +4 vs magic)
Armor Class: 17 (10
6+1) ascending system
Racial Features:
- Hard to Hit – +2 AC vs men-folk and +4 vs giants
- +2 to-hit enemies when firing missile weapons
- Near Invisibility – when not engaged in combat, Halflings are hard to see and move with almost total silence

Weapon: Hand Axe (d6)

Gold: 87

- Hand Axe (3gp)
- Plate Mail (50gp)
- Shield (10gp)
- Backpack w/
– trail rations
– random book
– key
-Lit torch


Herbie was going about his daily chores when his dad came to him. “Our last sheep is gone! Something has taken it. I want you to go take care of it and bring back the sheep if you can.” Annoyed at another one of these “chores” his dad always seems to give him, he dons his platemail and shield and heads off to the field where the sheep grazed. Looking around, he sees a set of small bipedal footprints leading off into the woods. Herbie, though quite unintelligent, puts one and one together, and wanders over into the woods following the trail of footprints. After a few minutes’ walk into the woods, he hears the bleating of the sheep. He walks closer and sees a small cave with a goblin sitting in front digging through his posessions looking for something. The sheep is tied to a post next to the cave entrance. With the goblin distracted, Herbie managed to approach hiding behind the tree without the goblin noticing.

Herbie, fearing for the welfare of his family’s beloved sheep, readies his hand axe and shield and charges at the goblin! He takes the goblin by surprise, runs up and swings his axe into the goblin’s chest. The goblin’s shriek, “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek” is heard as his limbs thrash around for a few seconds before coming to a lifeless rest. Herbie has never killed anything before and the rush of adreneline continues to pulse through his heart as he takes stock of what just happened. After a few moments, he looks around and his curiosity gets the better of him. Herbie decides to look inside the cave.

As he step through the cave arch, it takes a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. He can hear some muffled voices coming from nearby, and can see a glow coming from a bend to the left up ahead. He quickly runs up fairly quietly despite his plate mail, and he can hear two goblins speaking. He tries to follow what they are saying, as much as one can understand what goblins say.

“’eeee losst eeeeet”

" ’eee’s lying, eee wents ta keeep eeet fer eemself"

" et’s git ‘em, ain’t no use ta uss now"

Herbie hears the voices coming closer as they appear to be ‘getting’ the goblin outside. Herbie adjusts his fingers on his hand axe and prepares to swing on the goblins when it comes around the bend.

The two goblins appear around the corner, and the one on the left exlaims, “wut!? ’huu arrr—” but is interrupted as Herbie’s axe swings down on his left side, completely missing him. Herbie lets out a battle cry, but the axe swings to the right, missing again. Herbie can hardly believe he botched this up that bad. The goblin looks confused for a moment before regaining his composure. Both goblins pull out their knives and stab at him. The knives simply ‘plink’ against the plate mail. Herbie readjusts his aim, and sinks his axe into the goblin’s stomach. The goblin falls to the ground coughing blood. Seeing what happened to his companion, the other goblin quickly tries to stab Herbie, but has no success. The injured goblin hobbles to his feet coughing. In a bout of overconfidence, Herbie tries to finish off the goblin, but swings to hard and loses his balance, falling to the ground in a clatter of plates. The two goblins try to use this opportunity to stab him, but can’t get through his armor.

Herbie rolls on the ground, frustrated but manages to clamber back onto his feet, and drives his axe into the coughing goblin’s shoulder who tumbles to the ground and lays unmoving. The remaining goblin shrieks and fails to penetrate the plate mail again. The two swing at one another again, but the goblins failed attempt convinces him he isn’t gonna make it, so he darts for the door whalooping, “Wa waaa wa waaa.” Herbie chases after him yelling “You’ll never go near my sheep again!” swinging wildly, but the the creature manages to make it out of the cave and yells, “‘eeeep! take yer sheeeep! me don’t wants eeet!” and makes a line for the trees. Herbie, overcome with exhaustion from bustling about in heavy plate mail, gives up on chasing the goblin and placing his hand on the cave wall, takes a minute to rest. He walks outside the cave to check on Dolly, his sheep. As he gets near, Dolly lets out a relieved bleat. Herbie can hear the goblin’s wailing for a minute before it fades further west into the woods.

Remembering his father’s chore, Herbie decides to escort Dolly back to their home, fully intending to return here to further explore the cave. He’s curious about the light at the end of the cave but doesn’t want to risk another unfavorable encounter without returning his family’s sheep.

Herbie makes it back home and explains where he found the sheep and talks about fighting the goblins. His dad never liked Herbie’s stories about adventure and fighting, and responded, “Stop yer storytellin’. Probably just found Dolly walking in the woods, eh? We’ll, thanks fer bringin’ her back. Time to get working on building a fence so this won’t happen again.”


Herbie’s dad says, “Aw, come off it. I’m sure you’ll be back later today.” He picks up his saw and hammer and nails, and heads towards the door. “If you feel like helping, I’ll be at the field buildin’ that fence!” He harumpfs out the door without another word.

“Stupid old man,” thinks Herbie. “A fence isn’t going to stop goblins from stealing the sheep.” And with that, Herbie heads back to the cave.

When he arrives at the cave, he doesn’t hear any noise, and he sees the bag that the dead goblin had been rustling through laying next to the goblin’s body. He walks over and picks up the bag and looks through its contents. He finds a book, a torch, some trail rations, and a key. He thinks this is a pretty good find, and puts the backpack on his back and proceeds into the cave. When he enters the cave, he pulls out the torch, but realizes he has no way to light it, so he puts it back, and wanders further to the back of the cave where it bends.

As he turns around the corner he sees a circular-ish room. There is a fire in the middle that has mostly died out since the goblins haven’t been around to continue feeding it. Along one of the walls is a large moss-covered rectangular stone. Now being entirely unfilled with adrenaline, Herbie realizes how much goblins stink. Yucky-buckets. The Goblins seem to have been living here collecting various crap, but there doesn’t seem to be much else useful around the fire. Herbie can tell that the Goblins were not the original owner of the bag he is now carrying. They must have gotten it from someone.

Herbie pulls out the torch once again, and lights it in the remaining embers of the fire. The room grows brighter, but doesn’t appear anymore interesting. Herbie approaches the rectangular stone, examining it.

“Wow, that sure is big!” Herbie exclaims, noting how the stone stands twice as high as himself. The stone glares coldly back at him as he prods it with his axe, not much seems to happen except axe on stone soundage.

Herbie does think that it could be a door shape, if it weren’t a giant rock in the wall of a otherwise dirt cave. Doors just don’t appear in these sorts of places.

Herbie tries to push the stone with all his might, but the rock fails to budge a bit. Sweat pours down his cheeks with his shear effort. He finally decides to give up and lets his head thump against the stone in frustration. Something gives way and he hears a rumbling sound. He jumps back and the stone seems to go back into the wall and after it stops moving, he can see a mortared-stone hole in the ground that appears to have a ladder hanging from it. There are some cobwebs that would indicate that this passage has long been forgotten

Herbie decides to drop his torch down the hole to try to get a better idea of where it might lead. He sees the torch fall at a fairly regular speed, and remarks, “I’m glad I’m not falling that fast” The torch’s short fall is rudely interupted by a clattering sound as it hits a floor. Herbie doesn’t think it’s that far, maybe about 20 cloobers down.

He puts himself together and then makes his way down the ladder. He finds himself standing in a hallway. It is quite dark aside from the torch laying on the ground, still burning. The hallway stretches on into darkness on either side. A sinking feeling comes over him, as he feels that there is something very bad in this place.

After a minute, he hears a clacking sound coming from the south, it seems to be getting louder. He leaves his torch and moves into the darkness to the north. He assumes that he is out of sight but his armor does tend to reflect the torchlight, unbeknowst to him. He waits to see what is coming. As the noise grows closer, he thinks it sounds like the rhythm of footsteps, but not the sound of feet. “Boy! those must be some funny shoes,” he thinks to himself. A short time later, three skeletons step into the light and pause at the torch before coming towards the reflection they can see in the shadows.

Herbie, feeling quite terrified by the site of walking skeletons, clutches his hand axe but continues to wait to see what they are going to do. The skeletons steadily walk toward him he notices that they have daggers in their hands and don’t seem particularly friendly. He feels like this is the point to do something, or run the heck away!

Herbie considers running, then remembers his plate mail, and then remembers his father back home who would surely laugh at him if he returned. Herbie charges at the nearest skeleton! He swings a few times before making contact with one of the skeleton’s ribs. sending bone fragments scattering on the stone. They exchange a few more whiffs before Herbie knocks some more rib pieces to the ground. One of the skeletons gets his dagger under one of the plates and Herbie starts bleeding on his side.

The other skeleton sinks his dagger into Herbie’s armpit, leaving him slightly more bloody, and taking a third of his life essence. SMACK! POW, dear reader! Will herbie make it? Is this is final breath?

Herbie is hurting. He thinks his best shot is to make a break for the ladder to get out of here. Unfortunately the ladder is on the other side of the skeletons. He decides to dive through the skeletons and make a break for it. He manages to make it through but one of the skeletons’ daggers finds its mark in his back.

Herbie falls to the floor, writhing in agony and coughing up blood. Then, he falls unconscious….


The Quest for Herbie kealist